The Sweet Spot

I am reading three books right now, only two actually, but I've got to start the third soon because book club is Monday night (yelp!) ... Savor by Shauna Niequist (new devotional, and if I were ever to write a devotional - this would be it), Restless by Jennie Allen (really a study guide for my Tuesday night bible study - but I'm counting it), and The Rosie Project by Graeme Simsion.

Loving Restless ... and learning so much about myself, my strengths, and spiritual gifts (Romans 12, 1 Cor. 12 ... giving, leadership, teaching, mercy, service, faith, discernment, healing, etc.). What's interesting to me is how my gifts and strengths continue to develop and change with different seasons. I've done the traditional gifts test many times, but adding in strengths, etc. was a new dimension. Jennie points out (in the study) that we can't always look at ourselves and say, "this is my gifting", etc. so one of the projects encouraged us to ask those closest to us a series of questions to gain better perspective (when have you seen me operating in my sweet spot? what do you think I do well? in what ways have you seen me grow and develop my gifts in the last few years?, etc.) ... I asked a few close friends from various seasons of my life ... some whom have known me since I was a child (long before I knew Paul or knew what life would look like or how it would pan out), college roommates, friends that knew me as a newlywed and career girl in Memphis, and a friend who has only known me as a mom (since my move back to Florida). Their responses floored me, because give or take a few things, they were all exactly the same. What they said about me mostly aligned to what I said about myself (we were asked to answer the questions first), but five of them pointed out something that I had never really thought of (as one of my spiritual gifts) ... and yet it was something they all saw in me. So clearly. It really is one of the best studies I've done in awhile - def. recommend!

The study has been affirming for me in other ways too. For example ... I come from a long line of teachers, not necessarily by trade (although my mom does have an early childhood education degree) ... but by choice ... women (and men) who have taught bible studies, discipled and mentored large and small groups within the church. For many years of my life I fell into line, because it's what I knew, it's what I had seen modeled before me. But here's the glitch: I hate teaching. I love teachers, but I cannot stand to teach. And it took me an (admittedly embarrassing) long time to figure that out. By very nature I'm an introvert (in a VERY extrovert world ... as I would venture to say about 85% of the people I consider my friends are all extroverts, as is my husband). I prefer small group settings, I love to write, I like to read, I listen. I'm quiet, which is different I think than being shy ... I love being with people - I just don't get my energy from them. So from temperment alone, one could gather that being front and center in teaching (or with any type of administration/leadership) would make me yak ... but man did it take a long time to figure that one out.

I just kept willing myself into that circle, but that circle wasn't for me. It never was.

God gifted me in other areas ... areas that I've learned to embrace in recent years and tap into. I can now say a confident no to things that aren't for me and yes to things that are. It doesn't mean that I say no to all things that are out of my circle or zone of comfort (because those are the things that have stretched me and grown me in so many ways), but it does mean that I can operate more effectively in my sweet spot because I'm engaged in what I'm passionate about ... the things that God has gifted and called me to.

And now more than ever - I'm doing those things.

For Another Year, Another Story

The last month of my life has been amazing, exhausting, wonderful, hard, emotional ... beautiful. I have been trying to play catch up the last few days and document as much as possible (here) because I am in this constant state of toddler/newborn haze/fog and as much as I want to remember, I forget. And it goes by so, so quickly. I've been writing the story of Carter's birth the last several days in my (free? spare? borrowed??) time ... and this coming weekend he will be five weeks old.

So very quickly.

Speaking of, he's strapped to me as I type this ... alone in my kitchen, nearly 10:30 at night. I'm bouncing both of my knees and one keeps hitting the desk while the other is subduing him from eating his hands off (yes, borrowed time :)).

Paul asked if he could move the "it's a boy!" balloon and blue candies off of the counter today. I'm usually all for clearing away unnecessary objects, but I haven't been able to take them down yet. It's taken me longer to do so many things like this. Simple things like getting rid of a blue balloon have taken on such emotion ... like removing it is saying goodbye to this part of the story. And I grieve that. I feel like I felt every turn as we left the hospital with the baby, me in the wheelchair, he in my arms ... so innately ... for that very reason. I wasn't ready to let it go. I wanted to hold on to those few days of adrenaline pumping, exhilerating, new motherhood. But alas :)

I have loved having a new baby during the holidays ... such a sweet and special time. And I'm so looking forward to the next week of holidaying ... Christmas Eve and morning with my family, and then Paul's family arrives on Christmas afternoon. Carter will go to church for the first time tomorrow ... a tiny baby at the candlelight service. I'm hosting Christmas dinner for the very first time and it feels right amidst the lack of sleep and mayhem to put the extra leaf in the dining room table and sit and eat and drink under the twinkly lights of the tree on heirloom china and waterford crystal. I can't wait to put their Christmas jammies on and set out milk and cookies for Santa ... I can't wait for our nativity ("The Donkey in the Living Room book is a must!) to finally display the baby Jesus on Christmas morning. It has been a season of "present over perfect" - for real! And I've loved it.

My grandparents drove back today from Mayo Clinic with better news about my grandfather's cancer than they came with. My brother got married this year and I got a beautiful new sister. We welcomed a precious baby boy into our family. The business is growing. Our home is warm and filled with friends and family and peace and love ............ and to all of this there is only one thing to say, and it's the same thing I've said of previous years ... some that have been burdened and overwhelming and much harder than this ....

Thank you, Jesus. For everything. For another year, another story. I'm so grateful.

Good Friday

After Hampton wakes up from his nap later on I'm taking him to the Methodist church to walk through the stations of the cross they have set up for Good Friday. The stations begin in the Garden of Gethsemane and follows Jesus' walk and experiences through the crucifixion. As I sit and reflect upon this day and the sacrifice and mercy and redemption it speaks of, my heart is grateful. This past Tuesday, I began a new bible study with an amazing group of girls and we are going through Beth Moore's To Live is Christ. Studying the life of the apostle Paul before and after his conversion on a week like this has been so moving.

God's grace truly amazes me ... it amazed me this morning when a precious friend texted to tell me that she was expecting her very first baby. I have prayed for her for over two years now (as she has walked the road of infertility) and just in the last several weeks her doctor told her she would never get pregnant on her own. It amazed me this afternoon when a sweet friend came out of surgery (at the age of twenty-nine she was recently diagnosed with three separate cancers in her body) with flying colors ... and the cancer had not spread. And it amazed me at lunch as Paul, Hampton and I sat across the table from Marsha (Paul's mom's only sister) laughing and crying and sharing stories and life and I was reminded that just ten years ago this relationship between them did not exist.

Good Friday.

The road we walk is long and hard, but His grace is amazing. He takes the broken and impossible and hopeless and breathes restoration and possibility and hope.

As I walk through the stations of the cross later today and pause to reflect and pray, no doubt my heart will be overwhelmed. If there is anything that I have learned on my own personal journey with the Lord it is that truly, to live is Christ.

He is my life.

Carly Simon & Hope

Listening to Carly Simon's Coming Around Again. It's the song they play at the end of the movie Heartburn (1986, Meryl Streep, holla!) which was written by the late, great and my all-time favorite Nora Ephron .... and honestly it makes me want to WEEP. I think it's the whole movie saga and that it's a true story, Nora's story ... and then this song, and geez.

Just finished reading Gretchen Rubin's Happier at Home (she wrote The Happiness Project) and am currently reading Nick Hornby's A Long Way Down (for book club). I like Gretchen's writing, but her life sometimes seems a little too researched and analytical. But as she says in her books, one of her mottos is, be Gretchen. So it's hard to fault someone who knows who they are, and who they want to be. And makes peace.

Currently ... sitting on my couch with a glass of wine, quiet and my laptop. Today was a little on the cool side and cloudy so I made Ina Garten's chicken stew with biscuits ... I made the biscuits from scratch and used my grandmother's biscuit cutter to cut them out. First time ever that I have made biscuits from scratch. I felt a little heroic, but really ... so easy. It was a day for comfort food. Mary Kaye would have been 62 today. I know that it's a hard day for Paul because I can see it in his eyes and hear it in his voice when he talks about it. I feel like March 5th will always be a day where he will wish it to be March 6th already. I don't pretend to know what it's like to miss a parent for (really) your entire life, so I try and listen and just ... be there. And make comforting things like chicken stew and biscuits. Thankful that in the midst of grief and seasons of grief in our lives, we still have hope. And today is Ash Wednesday. The beginning of Lent ... a time set aside to reflect on Christ, his suffering and his sacrifice, his life, death, and resurrection.

"My hope is built on nothing less than Jesus blood and righteousness, I dare not trust the sweetest frame, but wholly trust in Jesus name ... Christ alone ...

Cornerstone."

One Year Ago

The baby got sick for the first time this week ... he has a bad cold and bless his heart, he has been pitiful. I was holding him earlier - as all he really wants is to be held - and remembering what I was doing one year ago, today. Driving from Chattanooga all by myself (Paul drove in front of me), pregnant and swollen, and arriving in Ocala around this exact time. My parents and grandmother were here at the house, our furniture was in ... and I was in this mix of emotions of old and new, goodbyes and hellos, unpacking, settling in ... but this is always my favorite part, the hindsight. When I look back and see how God was already ahead of me.

Today, my house is well lived in and well loved ... we are unpacked and settled and adjusted, the (Christmas) cards that I have yet to take down show family and friends of many years, as well as many new friends that have come into our lives this year, there are toys scattered all over our living room floor, and a mix of emotion that comes with all of the above ... because God was already ahead of me.

He always is.

With Good Things

I spent today in my pajamas and got in the shower around 3 p.m. We got back from Birmingham late yesterday afternoon, and after the whirlwind of the holiday season, I had some serious unpacking, organizing and taking down the Christmas extravaganza to do. I did quite a bit last night, but the majority today. And now my house feels naked and clean and very January {which is to say, naked and clean}. But the holiday season ... wow. Certainly, one of the best and also, the busiest. In previous years I spent hours wrapping gifts with beautiful paper and tying each with perfect satin ribbon. This year, when Hampton was napping, I threw each gift in a bag and stuffed it with tissue, and checked those mothers right off the list. And when I realized on Christmas Eve that I still needed, like, ten more presents ... I dropped Hampton off at mom's, went to one store, and figured it out. Because when you have an hour to figure it out, you get it done.

The last two weeks were chock full. We were surrounded by my family the week of Christmas, and then again, this last week in Birmingham, with Paul's. In the middle of all of it, I got sick for the first time in a year and tried not to let this cold beat me down ... and Hampton got three first year molars. In a week. On vacation. While he "slept" in the pack in play two feet from our bed. Where every noise jostled him. Three. Grin.

2013 was an important year for me. It was the year I turned 30, quit a job I loved to pursue another, moved back to a state and city I had only known as a kid {and yes, the older I get the more I know, 18 years old is very much still a kid}, said good-bye to so many good things and said hello to more of the same, it was the year that a 6 lb. 5 oz. baby boy made me a mother ... which, you know, changes everything ... for instance, I have always been a crier. But not really at a drop of the hat type of crier. Something or someone has to really move me. I don't really cry at weddings or funerals for this reason. It's not the emotion of that day, but the days before it and the days after. It's hearing the love story for the first time or watching a husband care for his wife when she's terminally ill. But I'm finding that as a mom, it's totally possible to be moved on a daily basis. I don't have large weeping sessions {no baby blues saga going on here}, but my eyes well up ... constantly. Just a moment, and then, gone. The perspective has changed. I look at things through a different lens.

My life is so much quieter now. In ways that have made me lonely at times, and in ways that have been really good, for my mind, my soul, our family.

Toward the end of the year, I began memorizing large passages of scripture so that in the quiet, I could speak these God breathed words throughout our home, as I folded laundry, changed diapers, cooked dinner, rocked and nursed the baby. One of the chapters I have memorized is Psalm 103, the first few verses which say, Praise the Lord, o my soul, all my inmost being, praise his holy name ... praise the Lord, o my soul, and forget not all of his benefits ... who forgives all your sin and heals all of your diseases and redeems your life from the pit ... and crowns you with love and compassion and satisfies your desires with good things, so that your youth may be renewed like the eagles ...

In 2013 the Lord's mercy and grace and love poured out over my life.

With good things.

So Good

What a fun, full day. The brunch and ornament exchange this morning made me so happy. I love having people in my home, love this season, and I am so thankful for special people to share in it with. Before the girls went home, we went over to the orange and grapefruit trees and they picked and picked ... Merry Christmas from me :)

Tonight, at another Christmas soiree {and shout out to the Tallahassee Jr League for the best black bean dip of all time ... which I brought ... and always gets rave reviews, if you need the recipe for it - go here :)}, a friend was asking what it was like being back in Ocala after all of these years ... how this year has been, the transition, etc. She knows where I'm coming from as she moved away for college and law school and has also recently returned ... I told her that with each passing day, week and month this place begins to feel more familiar, more like home in this season of my life {and not just as a child/teenager}, and just ... sweet. And if those weren't reasons enough to love being home, we returned to my mom and dad who had taken Hampton out tonight to see "lights" and talked and talked about every little thing that he did while they were out on their light seeing adventure. He is such a loved little boy. And I just feel really, really grateful.

God has been good to us - over and again. He is just so good.

Gratitude

Up early with a little munchkin this morning and finding it hard to believe that a week from today is Thanksgiving. I think it's probably the fact that it still feels like the 4th of July here and I've only pulled my boots out once (for Christmas pictures - which I sweated through) and my vast collection of scarves can still be found in a box sealed with packing tape (i.e. hasn't been touched since we left Memphis) ... but I'm finding it a little crazy that the holidays are already upon us!

I have never been one to put my tree up before Thanksgiving (although I will listen to Christmas music in June...), but I am fighting down the urge with each passing day. We didn't put up Christmas decorations last year because they were all in boxes (like just about everything else we owned), so it's added incentive to enjoy it all the more this year. Our sunroom has two French doors that can close it off and I've never been more thankful ... because that tree would be going down with a certain curious about everything baby living in our home these days :)

My gratitude list is off the charts for 2013, for the obvious and not so obvious reasons.

I am eternally grateful for the blessing of being a mom. I am thankful for his health, and ours. I love that life is simple these days ... I think that's a combination of a lot of factors ... I quit my job when I moved back to Florida and cut down on the "extracurricular", and in doing so, life suddenly felt calmer, less hurried, more in the moment. With room to breathe. And it has made motherhood all the more wonderful ... I haven't had to race against clocks or myself or anyone else for that matter, our days are just sweet -- some are longer than others (for sure!), but the years are short, right? So I'm thankful for the simplicity of our days and the state of mind to be in the moment, present, and not living in a world of chaos {while trying to get it all done}. It's a gift. I'm so thankful for our families and the way they adore this baby, and for the way they support and encourage us, as his parents. I'm thankful for scripture and for my relationship with Christ, which has continually sustained me. Leaving Tennessee was a major loss of community for me ... although this has been the most amazing year of my life in so many ways, it has also felt lonely at times. You can't really move to a place you haven't lived in over a decade, have a baby the next month, and not expect to feel that way. I have missed having people around me that know me and that have done life deeply with me; and I have cried for them on occasion ... it's not to say these types of people won't come into my life again (here), it's just to say that it's harder to make that happen with a brand new baby on board. All of this to say ... it has been a lot of me and the Lord this year. Which might be why I would say that despite all that has happened in 2013 ... all of the new and transition and change ... this really has been the year of perfect peace for me. I memorized Psalm 103 several weeks ago and I repeat it aloud many times throughout the day. It's a constant reminder of what He has done in my life, and verse 17 speaks so much ... but from everlasting to everlasting the Lord's love is with those who fear him and his righteousness with their children's children. Man, I love that! I know for sure, 'faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see' (Heb. 11:1). Sure and certain. I'm grateful for another year of believing in His character ... He is who He says He is ... and in His promises ... He will do what He says He will do.

Blessed. Loved. Grace-filled. Encouraged. Thankful.

You Write From What You Know

During book club tonight we were talking to the author {of the book we read} in regards to her process in writing and editing the book, was it autobiographical? {not all parts, thank God}, etc. The novel she just wrote and the book she is currently writing are both set in the South. Someone asked if future writing would also share the same locale/setting? And her answer was so simple: you write from what you know.

I get that completely. What I know these days seems so wildly different from what I knew a year ago. And I hope that my life is always that way -- I hope I'm always learning and growing and moving on from where I was. But still, it's surprising ... how much you can know, and how little, all at once.

The day we left the hospital with Hampton was very much one of those how much and how little all at once moments for me. The nurses really sling it to you at discharge. They give you the rundown on everything from the bath to nursing to swaddling and on and on, and after the speech, send you on your merry way. I knew what I knew, what I had learned in the mere 48 hours I had been his mom, and the basics, but the how little I knew started to manifest itself somewhere deep inside, and rose as we were wheeled down the halls, down the elevator, and out to the waiting car.

I climbed into the backseat of the car with that tiny baby when we left the hospital and silently prayed {like a maniac} all the way home that we would make it. That we would be okay -- that I would be okay. It was the first time in my life that I felt real and true responsibility outside of myself. I felt overwhelming responsibility for the health and well being of this baby boy. And it terrified me.

The next twenty-four hours encompasses a period of time that I'm not sure I'll ever forget. I think about it often and still can hardly find the words. It just felt so primal ... coupled with the most intense inward emotion I have ever known. I didn't shed a tear, didn't have an anxiety attack, didn't break into a postpartum meltdown ... but it was the first time I think I really understood.

I never spoke my emotion out loud ... just continued swallowing the lump of uncertainty ... so that I could function.

You write from what you know.

What I know is that I could not have known a year ago what all of the above {and then some} would feel like. The ebb and flow of knowing so much and so little all at once. I couldn't have written the above words ... because I didn't know them yet. And it's different for every person, I think. The moment that that feeling of responsibility comes to rest firmly and squarely on your shoulders. That moment of true, unadulterated motherhood. For me, as quickly as it came with all of its intensity ... it was gone. Like so many other times in my life, the redemption was found in my conscious decision to let go. In the place of fear and uncertainty ... I chose courage. I chose to remember the women in my family who have gone before me - bravely. I chose to pray. And pray, and pray. And with this ... I felt a renewed sense of freedom ... and that God was with me.

You write from what you know, and I know peace. It's a daily choice, but always and without fail, it continues to surpass all my understanding.

The Here & Now

This morning I went running with a friend and it looked like we went swimming instead. Florida summer equals drenched. I really can't even believe it's summer and that we've been here almost six months, half of a YEAR! I took another friend dinner on Tuesday night, and as I was holding her new baby boy I was like, what the?? Where has this year gone? Wasn't Hampton just this small?!

On Wednesday nights I have started leading a group of ninth grade girls (THIRTY+ to be exact) at our church and among many things ... they keep me young, haha. When I was in ninth grade this same youth group began (our church was just a few years old at that point). And now there are over 160 kids in the high school youth group (almost 300 if you combine the middle school). I realized last night that it was exactly half of my life ago that I was 15 ... and how very influential my small group leaders and mentors in high school were, still are, in my life. So looking forward to spending time with these girls!

This Is Grace

It's still a little surreal to me how quickly my life changed around this time last year. I was pregnant,

but didn't know it yet ... this picture was actually taken a few days before I found out.

As a general rule, change is something I like to ease into ... it usually comes as a hard knock for me, so I like to dip my feet in first. And yet just as I was deep into another set of life plans (which, among many things, included when I would get pregnant) ... I got pregnant.

As I have found over and over and over, and feel for sure that at some point God must be thinking, will you (please) go ahead and get this already? Hindsight is 20/20 ... and the best and most beautiful things in life simply cannot be planned. This is why we have words like hope and faith; we need these tangible, God-breathed ways to hold on ... as we journey. We need to remember that though the plans in our hearts may be many, it is the Lord's purpose that prevails ... and His plan is to prosper us, to give us a hope and a future.

I mused over all of this as I carried my sweet boy around our backyard earlier this evening. He loves to be outside so much, and the air was warm and thick as I carried him around pointing out trees and leaves and our very in bloom hydrangeas. I kissed his head and cheeks and thought back to this time a year ago ... and how I had no idea that it would soon become the best and most beautiful year of my life.

A life that feels so undeserved, but for grace.

This is grace.

Mother's Day Brunch & Hampton's Dedication

 

On Mother's Day, we dedicated

Hampton in the 11:15 service at church.

We stood before the congregation,

family and friends, and pledged to raise

our sweet baby in a home that honors Christ.

 

 

 Hampton wore his little white smocked "suit" :)

with monogrammed bib, and white socks and shoes

from Strasburg. I could have eaten his cheeks,

so cute!

 



Afterward we had family and friends over to my

mom and dad's house for a brunch. Three of my

dad's siblings, three of my mom's brothers and

all of their families, my parents,

grandparents, Uncle Michael, the Cooley's,

Sylvia's, Radcliffe's, Edenfield's and Mica's were

all there to celebrate both motherhood and Hampton.

 



Delicious brunch ... scones, muffins, salads, fruit,

turkey & ham, coffee & mimosas & tea ...

 & really yummy lemon

cakes & other misc. desserts.

 



So thankful for my mom and dad and all they did to

make yesterday so fun and memorable.

 



A close-up of Hampton's bib. Love.

Family Filled Weekend

We had a family-filled weekend :) On Friday

night, we got take-out from Latinos and aunt Jane

and uncle Sid came for a visit. Saturday, I loaded

up the baby for cousin Brent's soccer game at the Y.

Hampton wore his soccer socks for the occasion

and both he and Rebecca had on their cool shades.

We yelled for the Seahawks!

 



 

And today was Hampton's first day at church. We

went to First Presbyterian (where Paul and I were

married) for Liza's confirmation and the baptism

of Liza, Brent and Rebecca. It was a sweet service

and I'm so glad we got to be there. A reception

was held in the courtyard afterward where we

got to visit with more family and family friends.

The Twenties: Where I've Been & What I've Learned Along The Way

I am full of reflection on the eve of my 30th birthday. A decade I will never regain is about to end, and I am flooded with memories and emotions that come on the cusp of the milestones of our lives.

I am a firm believer that in order to fully appreciate where you are, you have to know where you’ve been. Looking back, my twenties feel like a whirlwind of growth and constant movement … when I turned twenty years old I was single, a sophomore in college, and living in Jackson, Tennessee. And yet, just three months later I met the person I would spend the rest of the decade falling in love with. We never know when that moment will be, do we? The moment that changes the course in a life’s direction, the wind in the sails …

And I think that has been one of the most exciting parts of the twenty-something years … mostly because those moments of definition seem rather endless throughout this decade.

I have often heard that people enjoy their thirties and forties and fifties because they feel more comfortable in their own skin, more secure in all things life. And I think there’s probably a lot of truth to that statement. But even still, there’s a part of me that knows I will miss aspects of my twenties in the decades to come – the freedom, the discovery – and if nothing else, no wrinkles.

This was the decade that I learned who I was, what I was made of, and where I was going.

In my twenties, I was a sorority girl, roommate, and editor-in-chief of my college newspaper. In my twenties, I rode a camel through the Sahara Desert, survived malaria {a broken arm, and a wrist surgery} … held various internships, and graduated from college. In my twenties, I moved to Memphis, began life on my own, interviewed for everything from a bridal magazine to a cotton magazine to an advertising agency to a public relations firm, before accepting an offer with a real estate investment trust with a niche in collegiate housing. In my twenties, I got engaged, married, honeymooned in the Virgin Islands, bought my first home, renovated my first home and set out on the great adventure of marriage. In my twenties, I traveled all across the United States with Corporate America wearing stiletto heels and the perfect black suit. I flew over everything from the Great Salt Lake to Mount Ranier, the Grand Canyon, Yosemite, Tetons and Swiss Alps. I traveled to Europe and Africa, islands all through the Caribbean … and at last count, have only 8 more states of the United to see. In my twenties, I became a part of marketing and public relation societies, book and bunco clubs, supper clubs, bible studies, country club, a much beloved small group. I served on a marketing committee representing the Boys & Girls Club of Greater Memphis, tutored at-risk youth in reading and writing, and adopted a little boy from Haiti through sponsorship. In my twenties I lost two of my grandparents, and a slew of great aunts and uncles, all from the greatest generation, all some of my favorite people ever. I ran countless 5Ks and three half marathons, and along the way did the thing I thought I could not do. I wrote for papers and magazines, for work, and for therapy … right here on this blog. I read countless books, wrote even more in my head, saw Broadway shows and concerts, plays and art exhibits, museums and monuments. Took some really incredible trips … and ate some really, really good food {lobster rolls in Boston, deep dish in Chicago, Tex-Mex in Austin, cheese steaks in Philly, crabs in Annapolis and San Francisco, shrimp and grits in Charleston and the best barbeque of my life … in Memphis, Tennessee}.

A lot of the time, I had the time … so I took the back roads.

And I learned … that God works all things {good, bad, ugly, sad} for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose. I learned in looking back, that I wouldn’t do any of it any differently although I wouldn’t necessarily relive it all either … on some occasions, living it once … was enough. I learned that sometimes you have to be your own hero. I learned how to be a hostess and give a dinner party with silver and crystal and just the right amount of candlelight. I learned the meaning of success, hard work and hard won. I also learned what it meant to lose, to fail, to fall flat on my face … and I learned what it meant to pull myself out of the pit, hold my head up, and … move on.

I learned how to be a friend from a distance … to continue friendships from miles and states and sometimes countries away. I learned the art of being satisfied with who I am, who I am not, who I want to be, and who I will never be. I learned that a slow mile run; is still a mile run. I learned that since I am prone to passing out, when I feel it coming on - if I lie down as quickly as possible, the risk of injury and an ambulance coming to my rescue are greatly reduced. I learned how to make a three-layer cake with rocking awesome buttercream. I learned how to cope with anxiety and stress, saying no to headaches and panic attacks, and in essence, saying no to fear. I learned that the world is small, and that there are really kind people out there – in every town, every state and so on.

I learned to say something, even at times when it’s hard to find the words.

~

The most important thing I learned in my twenties, however, was that every prayer that God didn’t answer, every no He saw fit to give me, was just the backside of another yes. I prayed to know Him more, for utter dependence and faith … and He gave me brokenness that in Him I might not only find all of these, but what it means to trust His plan for my life … not just in the best times, but more specifically, in the hardest. My twenties taught me that very few people in this world go through life unscathed. Every one of us has been afraid of something, loved something, and lost something.

This next chapter, this new decade, promises to be entirely different than the last. In just about every way I can begin to imagine – and then some. Ten years ago I was a single college girl, living in Tennessee … now ten years later, married and nearly a mother … taking over the family business and coming home. I don’t know what the days, months and years to come will hold for me, but it doesn’t really matter … because I know the One who holds me and I know what three decades of life experience has taught me, and so I enter the thirty-something years with less fear, more confidence, gained wisdom, thicker skin, stronger faith, and very few regrets. Being able to say those words is perhaps the truest blessing … so thankful.

Here’s to the next bend in this long and winding road, cheers to 30.

So Faithful

It’s official: we’re all boxed up and cleaned out and (as of yesterday) living with Paul’s parents for the week. The movers come tomorrow, but we wanted to be done with the chaos of packing, etc. before we started this work week. It was a little on the crazy side this weekend, but we did it … and when it was done … it felt like a weight had been lifted from my shoulders. Moving to another state while 8 ½ months pregnant is not for the faint of heart!

This last week has been full of goodbyes … dinner with the Petersons on Wednesday at Jim’s Place Grille … dinner at Bethany and David’s on Friday night … our last Sunday morning at Highpoint … our going away party with the Mays, Stancils, Roberts, Ramseys, and Whaleys last night. Tomorrow is my last baby shower in Memphis and then we’ll have a few more last suppers and lunches … and it will really be time to say goodbye.

I wish I could adequately describe how my heart feels right now, but it’s just so hard to put into words. It feels full. Paul and I have been so immensely blessed by our time in Memphis. I have spent my entire adult life in this state and when I moved here, I only knew the handful of those scattered across the state who were related to me … and now I am leaving with more lifelong friends than I know what to do with, all of whom, feel like family. I am so grateful this week, so immensely thankful … that God’s plan for my life included this (nearly) 12 year chapter in rocky top. Three of my great-grandmothers lived here, my grandmothers both grew up here, my mom was born here and spent her early childhood here, and now my time here (in this last decade) …. feels full circle.

Like we all share in the same love. Tennessee.

The night my parents left me outside my dorm at the age of 18 I cried my eyes out. I knew that this was where I was supposed to be, but had no idea the whens, where, whys, who, or how at that point. But God did. His plans for my life, though not ever really my plans for my life, have always been right on time, purposeful, and perfect. As we head out this coming Saturday morning, across the state, over the rivers and mountains and through the wood that first got me to this place … I will cry my eyes out all over again. Because this time … I know the answers to the questions from that August night outside my dorm room.

I can see His provision and protection, His mercy and grace … His love. And I can say with no hesitation or doubt, that throughout my time here, God has been faithful.

So faithful to me.

And The Soul Felt Its Worth

 

Long lay the world in sin and error pining,
'til He appeared and the soul felt its worth.
A thrill of hope the weary world rejoices,
for yonder breaks a new and glorious morn...

In My Heart

The reality of our life hit me today … while the rest of the world (or so it seems) is busy putting up trees and stockings, we spent another day sifting and organizing, throwing out and putting up … packing. And here’s the thing: I hate packing. And you know how I am about that word. But such is our current reality; boxes and miscellaneous madness thrown here, there and everywhere. We are moving in January but I’m trying to stay way ahead of the game (and my growing stomach) and be efficient with my time and energy (the bright side of packing … forced purging).

We went to our favorite hole in the wall Mexican restaurant tonight and split fajitas. Little multi-colored Christmas lights strung and fake poinsettias surrounded us when I said aloud what I had been thinking all day … how different our entire world is about to be. I am reminded of it every time I feel him kick within me, each time I think about saying goodbye to our friends and family here. I’m reminded of it as I drive to work each morning. Different.

So as our home is packed room by room and the usual traditions that fill this time of year pass us by (no Christmas tree of our own, no seasonal traveling, etc.) … I am embracing the quiet moments where I can and the simplicity of forgoing all of the aforementioned usual. I’m reflecting on my year of purpose and all that was accomplished. I’m thankful that in the midst of my twenty-ninth year, God gave me a precious gift, teaching me (once again) that the best things in life cannot be planned. I love that even though this Advent season is different from so many others, it’s still filled with much of the same…

…Joy and peace, comfort and hope, love and longing … for what is to come. It’s this year that I understand it all anew. Reading through the Gospels each morning and drinking my hot chocolate, pondering all of these things – and then some – in my heart.

Surgery Day

Nearly ten years ago my grandmother was diagnosed with breast cancer. I remember exactly where I was and what I was doing when my mom told me the news – just as I will always remember what I was doing and where I was when mom called last week to say that it was back. My grandmother is not the first to fight breast cancer in our family … her mother did, as well as her grandmother.

Cancer doesn’t just change the person who receives the diagnosis, it forever changes the ones who love them. My senior year in college, I interviewed with Komen. I already had internship credit, but they interviewed me anyway because of my essay. The internship went to someone who needed the credit – as it should have – but it was just the first of many times over the last ten years that I have pushed myself toward the fight against this horrible disease. Running Race for the Cure and seeing children walking in honor and memory of their mother – watching mothers walk in honor and memory of their daughters. There really aren’t words.

My grandmother’s surgery is today. And she is surrounded by family and friends and more love than one could ever hope to have in a lifetime. I was texting with her this morning and before she said I love you, she said this,

Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified, do not be discouraged … for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go. [Joshua 1:9]

And that’s her legacy. No matter what happens in life, despite suffering or loss or circumstance, it is well with her soul. Reason #3,768 of why I want to be just like her when I grow up.

Grace is
the

backbone
of

every woman

still

standing.

-Ann Voskamp-

Stillness

I am sitting in my favorite little toile chair right now, right by the window as the sun sets. Trying to really enjoy the small moments this summer ... whatever they may be. Trying to rest, give thanks and be still. Last week I came across one of my favorite verses ... be still and know that I am God.

And one of the best parts about being at this place in life ... is knowing exactly what that means.

It means trusting in the goodness of God, who makes all things work together. It means taking a deep breath and allowing His promises ... plans to give you a hope and a future ... to pour over you, and through you. It means sitting by the window and watching as the sun sets on another day ... with nothing but gratitude for the new mercies, grace and peace that came - and went - with it.